De Grisogono

This is my latest obsession. I have been trying ways and means to find out how much this cost. Even my online-shopping partner in crime, Ceri, is stumped this time. Anybody?



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My problems aren’t problems at all if you compared them to extreme poverty or a turbulent political environment. So let me qualify: if you're not prepared to read my whinings in the next few para, I suggest you leave my page RIGHT NOW and move on to other blogs. And oh, ... I don't expect you to understand exactly what I wrote; or to offer concrete help, but writing peels off my layered thoughts.

From young, I led a life of frugality, understood the fear of not having a roof over my head, learnt the hard way to be independent. You put my spoon in your mouth and tell me is it silver or not? I was the minority in class, and often singled out because my primary school fees ain't paid... yet again. Soon my embarassment gave way to numbness. Imagine feeling numb when I was just a kid. Of course, at that time, I didn't know it was numbness, I simply bo-chap. That if I didn't care and didn't feel, things will not hurt me. My feelings will not be hurt. School fees were a problem, let alone other ECAs. I would have wanted to ballet-dance, to draw and to play piano. I detest other kids complaining that it's a chore to go for extra lessons paid by their parents. Brats! Spoiled brats! Spit at all of you nasty little snobs! Pui! Pui! Pui!

My only toy was a plastic apple, quite a huge red one I picked up from the rubbish bin. When I opened the 'lid' which is the shape of the little stalk, I pretended to cook stuff inside my apple and closed the 'lid' to simmer. Sometimes, when I got tired, I dumped my stuff inside my apple and hug it to my chest. I didn't know what's a barbie doll, or little ponies or any alphabet sing along miniature games. My second toy was a prize I got for coming third in Pri. 1 class. It was a book with a cassette tape - 'Gingerbread Man' and when the cassette goes 'ding', I have to turn the page. I played the cassette everyday for at least a month.

As my family's financials got better when I grew up, I morphed into a snob sometimes. But I realised my past shaped my present. When reality taught me to be independent, reality also translates into me finding it tough to rely on others' aid. I depend on myself always and very rarely do I accept help. Thus, it shouldn't come as a surprise that during the latest FIBRO-B test, I scored a 1 (out of 9) under the category 'Wanted Affection'. I have no problem with 'Expressed Affection'. In fact, I scored mid range for 'Expressed Affection'.

(Expressed Affection is the extent that I initiate the behaviour of emotional ties and warm connections between people.
Wanted Affection is the extent I will accept that behaviour from others.)

Essentially, this means that even though I make an effort to get close to people and express my feelings to create close ties, I do not neccessarily want the same from you. My past taught me to self-rely and not trust other people. Because I may be subjected to disappointments and invariantly hurt when I am let down. If I minimize this reliance and draw on my own resources, I minimize the chance of being let down. It's not others' fault. It's human to err and it's human for me to let some of you down as well; even though I don't mean to. Simply, I have no interest in meeting anybody halfway when the end result is so predictable - People let people down. I choose to insulate myself.

This is not a good thing - very often, I feel alone. And it sucks big time because I know I have friends; people who genuinely care, people who are willing to give without expecting anything in return. It’s just not easy for me to open up and confess how messed up I am. How do I say that I do not want to die and that every single breathe I take, this is all I think of? What if I just walk towards that bright light and never turn back?

And just now I was wallowing in self-pity and whipped out my mobile. I had no idea who to call. How do I tell you my exact feelings? Or make you feel exactly the same way I do right now? Even if I do get through to you, what do I hope to acheive? Would I spoil your day by sharing my bad day with you? Or do I just want reassurance? Be positive, you will be fine. Be strong and stay happy. Countless times I’ve heard. Maybe you are right, I should have more faith. I will live on. But from now til then, I just don't see how.

The strange thing is these feelings come and go. The next minute, I can snap out of it and think like well, life's designed to move on. Take things one step at a time. Stay focused. That after all the pain, maybe I can look back one day in the future, and smile. Or laugh at how silly I was to think the way I have thought in the few para above.

I quote this from my friend's blog: 幸福 - 拥有的时候要珍惜。以为幸福离自己很远的时候，可能它一直都在身边。